One year has passed since I last wrote.
I just got out of a relationship. Still grieving for the death of the a once beautiful relationship. Once that was everything to me. So, am I ready to write this? Right now?
Perhaps I find this necessary. Because until recently, I thought I had become a better talker. But the truth is, I hadn’t; I don’t think I can verbally tell anyone about this.
I’ll write for now.
I did not expect 2024 would be the best year of my life so far. Moments that I thought only existed in pipe dreams, or La La Land, came true. I was the best version of myself. She was the only person I cared this much. We were together everywhere. We were silly together. I would play the piano and she would sing. We talked about our fears and regrets. We talked about our dreams and futures.
She was the girl of my dreams.
But life is unfair. She wasn’t living her best life. Circumstances dictated.
My best year could be one of her worsts. I tried, but I couldn’t support her the way she needed.
I said I would be resting and chilling in 2024. And I did. Towards the end of it, and in 2025, I got anxious about my life goals. I blamed her for having to make a choice between her and my goals. I hurt her.
I hated that my goals had to contradict her. I couldn’t let go of my material dreams. I didn’t choose us. I chose myself.
There is nothing to feel regret for. No regrets for the time we spent together. No regrets for loving her. There is guilt - for hurting her. But who would I be otherwise? Choosing myself, I tried my best not to hurt her. Yet I still did. I am guilty. I want to be better. But I can’t be regretting choosing my path. Right? Or am I still in doubt? Is there right or wrong?
No regrets choosing myself.
But I’m still sorry. I’m sorry, to the once used to be us. I’m sorry, to you.
In 2025:
- I wish to feel creative again
- I wish to rekindle some relationships
- I wish to return favors, to those who’d been helping me out in many many ways, and they probably don’t even know they did. But they did, and I wish to convey how grateful I am to them, my family being the first in the list.
- So far, these are the same as 2024
Below would be my new wishes:
- I wish to accept myself fully
- I wish to still be friends with her, doing some of our favourite things
- I wish to be kind and gentle to others
- I wish to widen my perspectives
- I wish to work on my fitness
- I wish to work on my other hustles
Bye for now.